Programming, Deprogramming

Recently I have been suffering from flashbacks, of being abused, and told specific things during the abuse, that formed tracks into my brain so that when A ever happened, I was ready to do B. 

I'm grieving the lifelong effects this programming has had on me: particularly on my relationships and sexuality. Any sexual abuse would be sufficient to severely affect intimacy.

When I was trafficked, the politician who was the boss of the network, surrounded himself with ex-colonialists who had been forcibly returned from Congo once the country finally regained its independence from Belgium in 1962. In Congo, these Belgians had tortured the enslaved Congolese, and their gruesome tactics were useful for the network. The politician also brought in international psychological experts, who relayed brainwashing techniques that had been developed during the Third Reich. I was sexually stimulated at the age of nine and ten, while told:

"You are nothing without your man."

"You don't exist without your man."

The boss had a flair for theatrics, and in his signature didactic, super-authoritative voice, said:

"If your man leaves you, you're better off dead."

"If you're left by your man, you kill yourself."

"Once your man drops you, you have failed, and you should make yourself disappear."

I'm not sure how often I was "programmed" this way, but it was more than once. There was a belief that when a child slave was favored and then discarded, she might become a threat to the secrecy of the network. I became the favorite of two men. Discarded at age nine, and again at age eleven. After the second time, I was to be killed, and rescued last minute. I was released from the network, but the suicide program was deeply instilled. 

What I find particularly difficult about this abuse, is all the thought that has gone into it before it is administered. It is more than premeditated, it is a researched system to use abuse for specific purposes. The leaders of the ring, who were also leaders of the world, knew about trauma and dissociation, while the world today is still largely in the dark about the effects of trauma.

I was forcibly stimulated with the intention to link my sexuality to an internalized, learned message to self-destruct, so that the network could keep me under their control in the unlikely event of my survival. The intelligence of the perpetrators makes it extremely difficult to see that they are ignorant. It must be the height of evil, to teach a child to self-destruct through sexual abuse. And yet as clever as it all is, and as much as my life has been impacted by the brainwashing of my abusers, it is clear that these big men were extremely afraid of children, and that all their actions only speak of ignorance. How could someone engaging in this type of psychopathic abuse know anything about anything that matters? How can they begin to know themselves? Their arrogance cuts them off from the rest of humanity. They experience no joy, only unconscious pleasure in revenge for their own childhood pain. They experience no love, only the insatiable high of power.

These are the same people who control the world, and who control all of us. We are all being traumatized and brainwashed all the time, assaulted with propaganda to make sure we hold on to the superstition that we need them - the authority figures. We need to believe that without them we would be as lost as they would be without us.  We are just at the beginning of our refusal to accept the lies and wake up. Don't believe that voting will make a difference. Don't believe that 2020 will bring new answers. Don't be fooled into remaining divided from our brothers and sisters through partisanship. The leaders may pretend to differ on issues, but they unite when it comes to revoking our rights. And they unite when it comes to pedophilia. 

As a drifting teen, I liked one boy who often hung out at a cafe where I spent much of my time. We went to a room upstairs and made out. A week later, I saw him come down with another girl. The thought "I'm going to kill myself," rung loudly inside my mind. As I sat there, determined, this boy's older brother came over and said:

"You are not going to kill yourself!"

He was adamant, kind of yelling at me, and I was shocked. How had he even guessed?  

In most relationships, I avoided being left by leaving first. The idea that the man was my life, even if I never consciously thought this, created a discrepancy and anxiety level that I never quite could master. Added to that was shame for my dependency, as I was becoming increasingly liberated in all other areas in my life. It seemed like I should not feel this way. It seemed like I should be as strong and clear in intimacy as I am with my friends and so many people with whom I work. Whenever I was left, the thought of suicide was always there. As I have been remembering over the past few days, also always there, as by magic, were good people to talk me out of it, without me ever saying a word.

The last major relationship I had was with someone who presented as a man who would never leave; that was why I chose him. He left abruptly.

I was too far along in my healing to seriously consider suicide, but it was hard to fight the constant nagging thought that I should just kill myself. And, because of the way I had been left, I also thought it was normal to have this thought. I had always thought that it was normal. 

And then the thought popped up a few days ago, in a situation in which I was not at all being rejected. I had set out to carefully explore emotional intimacy and honesty with a friend, and a small misunderstanding had me think: "I should just kill myself.” Emotionally, I had entered an intimate place, and perceived a sentence as though it had rejection in it, while it simply did not. Only, I had become anxious already, and there came the thought of self-destruction immediately after the suggestion of rejection. 

I had flashbacks and questions about being programmed in the network for years; it was hard to fathom. Psychopaths are hard to understand. I think it was hard to believe that anyone could be that scared of a child to research and implement such a program. But if we understand that everything they do is from the emotional space of their own wounded child that is completely trapped, that carries all their repressed anger and has no other outlet for all the negative feelings connected to their own abuse other than through power, it becomes possible to see they are afraid of the child locked inside themselves first and foremost, and by extension their child victims.

While their victim rage unleashed onto the children in the network in the most measured, calculated of ways - the same infantile rage is being unleashed onto the world, and we have to realize that those in power are very clever, sorry addicts who need us to continue to give our power up to them, so they can continue to get high, and exploit us as they were once exploited. Politicians right and left need us as resources for consumption and production, raking in the riches for their slave masters, to feed that bottomless empty pit of those at the very top of the pyramid through endless war profiteering. They are psychopaths, liars and hypocrites recreating the large-scale emotional landscape of their inner lives - darkness and destruction - who care nothing for our well-being or our lives, and who control us in more ways we are willing to admit.  Oppressed populations have known this forever. Privilege only supports the illusion that the authorities care more about you, and that bad things happen to others. Those days are coming to an end. 

Ignorance is evil. it is time to wake up.