Rebellion

Self-photographing the “persona” 2007

Some time ago I watched a film about the life of Brigitte Bardot and noticed how flimsy the story was, how overly simplistic and frankly ridiculous her supposed background. As she passed away a few days ago, I received a question about her and find that her Wikipedia page tells pretty much the same story as the film. Raised in a strictly Catholic family, she rebelled after being harshly punished by her stepfather for breaking a vase. Her parents were divorced. Here arises the question of how strictly Catholic her family truly was, since divorce was not recognized by the church. This supposed Catholicism and the punishment for the vase are used to explain her rebellion, which apparently was strictly sexual. When she was just 15, she purportedly insisted on starting an affair with the 6 and a half year older Roger Vadim who would have been 21 or 22. The idea that young girls without a history of child sexual abuse would rebel by desiring sex with adult men during their puberty is one pushed repeatedly in mainstream movies, and with no one was it pushed as hard as with Brigitte Bardot. The natural reaction of girls to older men is one of disgust. I clearly remember when I was in my mid teens, how vastly old 20-something males appeared. If you were to believe movies and TV-shows, you’d gather that young girls are impatient to lose their virginity to older men. And while women tend to want less sex than men in real life, in the media, women are commonly pictured as sexually aggressive or desperate to get laid. The film shows Brigitte at fifteen as the sole active seducer while the Roger Vadim actor comes across as a gentle, kindly, passive nerd. There is zero manipulation on his part, only her stubbornness in wanting to have sex with him, sneaking into his rented room and his bed. When minors want it that badly, we are led to believe, men are helpless. Nowhere do we find a hint of the more realistic scenario that adults manipulate minors into having sex with them - because they have awareness which the innocent lack and it gives them power they would not otherwise have. Nowhere in the film is it implied that it would have been appropriate, even for a 21-year old, to gently, kindly reject her, because she is simply too young and doesn’t know what she is doing. Have you ever seen this type of kindness displayed by men in films, who do not wish to take advantage of a troubled young girl who believes she wants to have sex with them? It is the responsibility of adults to care for children. It is the right thing to do for an adult man to reject a minor even if she throws herself at him. With my history of sexual abuse, I did encounter some such compassionate men. The age difference between Brigitte and Roger Vadim was perhaps not that extreme; however, when he was thirty-three, he had an affair with the then seventeen-year-old Catherine Deneuve. He was known for directing erotic films with his young lovers whom he also mentored. Most notably, in his film And God Created Woman, the scene made famous the world over is of Brigitte lying naked on her stomach, asking her boyfriend if he loves this part of hers and that and the next, reciting all the areas of her body as the camera reflects the lustful director’s eye gliding across every inch of her skin. She was hailed as the symbol of the sexual revolution, bravely withstanding those who opposed her alleged sexual freedom. Simone de Beauvoir, widely celebrated as a feminist, dubbed her “the most liberated woman of France, and a “locomotive of women’s history.” We know from the posthumously published “Letters to Sartre” (1990) that Simone de Beauvoir seduced and then lured her students, minors, into sexual encounters with partner Jean-Paul Sartre, effectively acting as his pimp, in stark contrast with her public image as a strong feminist.

“Rebellion” of a girl or a woman that expresses itself through sexuality is manufactured to suit the sexual/pedophile agenda of the network. Young girls are not usually sexually aggressive unless they have been programmed through child sexual abuse, which is the most common program in the network and silently perpetuated in incestuous families, turning many erstwhile victims into proponents of this agenda through direct consequences of the abuse: sex and love addiction.

In my own childhood I was meant to advance the pedophile agenda, to help expose audiences to the gradual erasure of the boundaries around child sexuality and consent, grooming the public to condone pedophilia. I don’t know what my cover story was going to be but it would most definitely never have included any truth apart from basic facts like place of birth and upbringing. Some banal story would have been concocted and promoted as was the case with Brigitte Bardot, who appears to have thought and acted mostly from her persona, likely carefully constructed inside the network, except for some political views she expressed later in life for which she was attacked in the press.

While almost thirty years my senior, my persona was to follow in Brigitte’s footsteps and meant to fit inside a group of celebrities with whom she also was connected. She had an affair and collaborated with Serge Gainsbourg and they released several hit songs, among them one of his more openly pedophilic Comic Strip ending in his line “Don’t be scared, baby, hold on tight. I’m here to protect you. Close your eyes and kiss me.” The same song was also recorded by Jacques Dutronc and Jane Birkin of that same group. To be clear, in the network I never came across Bardot, Gainsbourg or Birkin. During what I call my star training, lasting about two weeks, I was kept on the basement floors of a French castle surrounded by adults who revered me, who did my hair and make up, massages and all manner of care to get me used to being pampered in my celebrity persona. Though I was a naked nine-year-old and they were clothed adults, which made me very uncomfortable at first, I was made to understand that my body was to be worshiped and therefore did not belong to me, it belonged to the public. After a few days I did get used to being nude, especially since no one there lecherously focused their gaze on my genitalia or body parts, as perpetrators previously had. Now that I was being prepared for my special role inside the network, I was going to be protected from this type of vulgar treatment. These adults, part of my future entourage, would make sure of it. Hence forward, I was only to experience awe and admiration. As a singer and especially as an actress, I was told that I would be filmed naked often and could not afford to be prudish. While there, I was also photographed and had voice lessons and choreography training for my first and only performance at age ten. During it, at a network event at Lake Como in Italy, something unforeseen happened. As I followed instructions and insinuated the double meaning to nearly every line of the Jacques Brel song Ne me Quitte pas, I reached the couplet “Il est paraît-il des terres brûlées donnant plus de blé qu'un meilleur avril” or “There appear to exist scorched grounds that yet yield better harvests then the best April.”

With the scorched earth reference, I was to indicate an adult woman, who, in the eyes of pedophiles, would be old, burned, dried up. I gestured towards the only woman I saw and the audience laughed. She stared furiously at me. She and her husband, a film director, proceeded to kidnap me away from the week-long event where I was being introduced to network insiders, many of them celebrity singers and actors like herself, and ended up being horrifically abused by the couple. Her husband’s disdain was unique in that he was obsessed with her as the only female that mattered, and I was a dirty little object to be raped, reviled and debased, with her fiercely egging him on, the both extinguishing me in a barrage of abject hatred. I had never before been abused by a woman and it had been more than a year since I had been humiliated. In my role as the star persona, I believed that I freely participated in the sexual encounters with adult men, who were enamored or felt lucky and proud to be with me instead of the degrading treatment I had received beforehand in Belgium as an expendable child slave.

About a week ago, I got triggered and sent into a downward emotional spiral which eventually got me back in touch with the extreme depression, bewilderment and hopelessness of this abuse from the distant past and the couple’s extreme projections, the sadism and viciousness and humiliation which was not supposed to happen anymore. After the abuse, towards the end of the night, I was left tied up in an empty office building in Monaco for some hours. This is when and where I decided I did not want to be part of this group anymore. It was the beginning of the end for me, which led to my actual rebellion - which meant disobeying a sexual perpetrator. If not this, something else surely would have gotten me there, though I do believe that I was lucky to have rebelled before I was out publicly. They did invest much money into the yearlong training and preparation for my role, but in the end there was no damage control needed in the public arena, much more complicated and costly then the reprogramming I received, deepening the humiliation to ensure I would never be successful, before being thrown back at the Belgians as a lowly slave.

Again, rebellion not sexual. It is rather the opposite; it is saying no in the face of intense pressure to give in, go along, do what is expected and say yes. It is not societal but instead deeply personal. It is the red thread that leads you back to truth. Rebellion comes from a person of integrity who is less afraid to be labeled or judged that they are to belong. It is only the network that calls sexual things “daring” or “groundbreaking.” For those not blinded by sex addiction, this sexual programming, these clichés, are dull and tiresome, shown to come from the minds of the emotionally juvenile, manipulative power-addicts that all want us to follow in their footsteps.