Loyalty

This is a world of appearances. People committed to following truth will find themselves rejected and isolated, because at some point, the mental parameters of a person or group will require loyalty over truth.

The topic of truth is of course fiercely used by all who occupy their time attacking survivors. The network is expert at manipulating appearances. Many perpetrators enjoy a flawless image that is perpetuated ad nauseam through various media and by all who have bought into the lies of such an image, whereas survivors of the network who talk about what is hidden behind these masks are subject to network-supported attacks, mostly to make them appear as liars.

An interview I did on a big podcast platform stands as a testament of my truth, while the host is widely criticized for his harsh, interrogatory interview-style. If I had not been as present, or as grounded, or if I would have had a bad day - if I would have gotten rattled or confused, bowed under pressure, that same interview could just as easily have been touted as the supposed proof of my being a fraud. It would have appeared so. The impression that the public would get from watching an interview and seeing me fail would not change the truth of my history, but it certainly would affect my credibility.

Independent whistleblowers and survivors who are calling the attention of the public away from division and polemics, who direct us to the actual source of the problem without adding diversions, these people are a problem for the network. The weaker ones are accessed and soon find themselves fighting a biased battle, part of the division, distracted from the issue at hand, yet with increased fervor and the staunch belief they are fighting for the truth more than ever, now that it is slipping away from them. All the network needs is an entry-point into the psyche, very easy to spot in anyone whose face is on the internet.

Blind spots point to unresolved trauma. When we placate someone, we must assume that this kind of loyalty is really about mollifying an authority figure from the past, and that this new person wears a similar mask. When the emotional repetition with the new person has led to the same result as with the original parental figure and we are confronted with what was underneath that mask, we often are left to wonder in dismay how we could have missed it. How could we have been so blind? Only once we can link our projection to what happened in childhood, when we perhaps dared to challenge that past authority figure, once we can connect to the fear, understand why we had to placate, once we unite the mask with the face that is hidden underneath, then the blind spot is gone. In the network, people’s blind spots are their entry points. My torture-based mind control trained me to detect people’s blind spots and use the underlying fear to create urgency and incite them to actions they would not otherwise take.

I know people who have exposed important elements about network abuse whose lives were torn apart, their close ones becoming unrecognizable in their attacks. In one such case, a man who turned on his whistleblower girlfriend had a friend who diligently “supported” him. His unhealed childhood wounds were used to make him feel like he was the victim, which relieved him of his sense of accountability and responsibility. Relentless attacks on the whistleblower followed, which destroyed their relationship and her career. Later, that whistleblower found out that this ex-boyfriend’s “friend” was in the network, confirming that the extremely painful personal events that had been plaguing her ever since she had successfully put information into the world that was damaging to the network, had been orchestrated by the same network.

A few years ago I met a survivor who struck me as extremely ugly, and I had immediately censored these thoughts. This survivor smilingly told of horrifying acts she had been made to commit as a child. I told myself she was speaking from a young part; it was not her responsibility. We had several conversations and I appreciated her as a fellow-survivor. Recently, she asked me to join her for a public project and, reminded of the way she talks about her past, I respectfully declined. She became enraged. Next, vindictively, she canceled the project altogether.

One of my big blind spots has been with regards to other survivors, my peers. My shock over her reaction opened me to the memory of being horrifically abused as a child by someone who, although she was an adult, was introduced in the network as my peer, because she was a performer just like I was going to be.

I realized that, out of my fear for what was below the survivor’s mask, I had never dared to ask myself why I had thought she was ugly. Now that I did, the answer came that she looked like a perpetrator. And when I thought about her smile as she recounted the horrifying torture she had inflicted on other children, I allowed myself to see that her smile was sadistic. I myself had undergone sadistic torture by my female “peer” in the network. My past trauma had blinded me and made me buy into her image as a survivor - which of course she also was. I surmised that she had been sent by the network and had been trying to set me up. There was no reason why she needed me so badly, or even at all, for her project; the only sensical explanation for her reaction is that the project was a trap, a network-directed attempt to have me participate and push me into the sensationalist conspiracy corner - and so discredit me.

There were several other memories and elements to this recently acquired awareness, and when I thought the long healing process neared its end, I was hit with terrible, inexplicable anxiety.

It don’t know if I have ever stated why I rarely promote and never attack other SRA survivors or whistleblowers, and why I don’t take sides except for the community as a whole. Of course we are infiltrated by some who keep the division and distraction going, and of course others are influenced and used to unwittingly destroy or discredit the cause, and of course I privately have my opinions on some of these people, but in the end everyone has the right to decide for themselves whom to believe or not. Our message is complex enough without further obfuscating it in a never-ending polemic.

My anxiety was related to two separate private conflicts I had witnessed between different groups of visible survivors. I did not want to take sides and felt pressured. The only way I could ease the anxiety was to feel into the trigger. I became aware of having felt this incredible pressure after I had been picked by the American billionaire to become his elite slave at age nine. In the years prior, though my body was enslaved, my mind was still free, and I liked having my private thoughts which were that the men who raped me were all losers. In my new circumstances, my body, treated as a valuable object, had more freedom, but my mind was enslaved: I had to obey the billionaire and be loyal to him. He was convinced that his interest in me made me the luckiest girl in the world. I remembered how uncomfortable I had felt mollifying him, trying to believe he was the winner he believed himself to be and that I was as lucky as he thought I was. I remember feeling grateful, nervously, because it was required. Never before have I remembered the constant anxiety I felt from having his brand of loyalty forced upon me, which is also the network’s brand and their first rule. It had shown up throughout my life, whenever I was pressured into false loyalty, when my natural, individual feelings or opinions or words were discounted or attacked for being different from what was expected of me.

In our field, children’s welfare is exploited to apply pressure. In the name of saving children, I need to name names, or I should take sides in private or public disputes. If I dare take the high road, if I refuse to name or blame or take sides, I am deemed responsible for whatever happens to the children. If you find yourself caving for this pressure, if you do get pulled into the division and you are justifying your poor behavior, please check yourself. Your ardent desire to save children may have been co-opted.

When the billionaire’s fatherly mask came off, I faced the nightmarish terror and pain from what was hiding underneath. Loyalty to a dysfunctional family, group, person or cult means that if you don’t blindly obey, you are punished, humiliated, banned or killed. If you survive, what better way to make you appear as a liar but by engineering and maneuvering people so that those from within your own community, by way of their blind spots, will turn on you and publicly attack you?