Parents

Photo by Marcel Chambon, Paris 1982

As a child sex slave, my abusers were parental figures. There were three men - a politician, a world leader who ruled over the politicians, and a gangster - who influenced my upbringing most. They formed my character, my personality, the way I think.

Recently I watched an hour long video interview with the world leader and was stunned how much the way I express myself resembles his. Ironically, my code of ethics originates in his everyday behavior, rooted in his Old Money mindset. These men gave me what I couldn't find at home with my parents. They affirmed qualities in me of which I had never previously been aware. Two of the three, the world leader and the gangster, were emotionally attached, and I believe they even experienced something resembling real love - just without any ability to properly express it.

I received from them the nurturing I needed, and I loved them deeply, with all the passion and desperation of a child whose life was a constant nightmare. Their small gestures, affection, humor, and their expressed desire to save me sent me into bliss, whereas they loved the peace they felt in my presence. After getting used to being called a "dirty little whore," being told by the world leader that I was sophisticated and belonged with his family and his class of people, was a dream come true. Finally, I belonged somewhere.

As the nine year old girl inside of me kept waiting, holding out to finally become part of some vague group of people based on his promises, the girl also helped me to pass for a non-traumatized person wherever I went, an aura that made people assume I came from wealth. For these men who raised me, I was an inherent part of their dark side, which made any connection in regular life mathematically impossible. I've experienced much grief over not belonging to any family group.

I do feel very much love in my chosen communities, but am still letting go, allowing myself to feel the anger and grief over being cast out, even though I know that ultimately I would never choose to belong to such a club, that this family is a mafia in which loyalty only means obedience, that the exclusivity of the group is the magical mantle under which all power abuse festers. And yet it is thanks to my love for them that I understand the most evil men on earth, and can educate others on psychopathy and power addiction, so that we can all recognize it, and not continue to be fooled. No human beings are monsters, but these human beings engaged in the darkest crimes, organized them, and orchestrated the exploitation of the entire planet and people without any regard for anyone.