Love and Fear

Photo taken August 1974, age 11, by trafficker, months before release from the network.

There is a cut-off line between love and fear; between the ability to heal from trauma, and the tragic inability. Looking at that inability, it's easy to see the world we live in runs according to it, as fear mongering thrives, toddler-level greed rules, and we are fed violence from childhood onward. At the helm are those who never entered into the first stage of healing, fighting off their own truth and pain, imposing their emotional sickness on all. Others appear on the other side of the spectrum, those who are eternal victims. They use all their life energy to live through dire abuse and circumstances related to being taken advantage of. When given a chance to change, they perceive abuse in that benevolence, and self-sabotage until they find themselves back inside a familiar trauma story of loss and pain. They may kill themselves, or find an outlet for their rage onto one other person. As children of such eternal victims, we try to love and love and love those parents, in the hope that they might receive it, and finally become parents. My mother was such a parent, and I was her only victim. I spent my life keeping myself small so she or her underdog substitutes could feel bigger. I attracted eternal victims, supported them however I could, giving them love and support they were seeking from abusers and weren't able to receive from me. And now, I'm letting it all go.

Photo taken by trafficker, a few months before my release from the network, at age 11. 1974.