The right mirror
When broken people meet in romance, parts of the self hiding in the subconscious meet each other to play out trauma stories. The greater the similarity in underlying emotional issues, the greater the connection. In the game of love, partners are polarized in a power play, taking the role of either the child victim or the adult abuser. In the beginning of such a love cycle, there is admiration for the love object, so that person is lifted up, the way a child looks up to an authority figure. As long as the love object is invested with power, they represent an original, scary power figure, and the powerful love of the victimized child for that caregiver is felt. The love object's power may consist in as little as that they are less open, and seem unattainable.
In my young adult years I had relationships with some very nice men who consistently adored me, but I felt unworthy of their love and always felt guilty for not fully reciprocating. However, the love of these men was based on me being emotionally unavailable. They needed my guilt because it proved their innocence. They wanted to remain in the role of the parenting child. Their love was suffocating, and I ended up proving myself guilty by kissing other men, sending us into the latter part of the love cycle, unlocking the pain and anger hiding behind my boyfriends' young part's love. On my end, I felt evil - as I had been made to feel my whole childhood long. I've spent these last years in celibacy to reclaim my original innocence.
Grounded in emotional and physical safety, I may have feelings for someone, but I don’t have any need to act on them, to have a physical relationship. Celibacy requires some discipline, but it also offers distance and clarity that in no way prevent intimacy in friendships. I have experienced myself extremely vulnerable after feeling seen and understood by a male friend, which awakened young parts who wanted to test his love - an unconscious, impulsive way for young parts seeking the unconditional love they never received from their parents when behaving badly. While this plays out on a subtle level and I don’t actually misbehave, I’m sure my friend could have easily been annoyed with me; I would get awkward, or not treat him with the same kindness as others. But, as he continued to see the best in me, and would affirm this, the young parts who were awakened in the hope of finding that unconditional love, did find it. And through this pure friendship, I received something that I always sought in romance, and never found. And once I found it, it became crystal clear that I don’t need romance, that in fact I don’t want it.
All I wanted was for these young parts inside myself - when I was innocent and pure, and made to feel bad, or guilty, or stupid, or evil - to have their innocence reflected back to them. And once I found that mirror, the essential desire of romance had been fulfilled.