1964, with one of my uncles
The past few days have been spent in a state of grace. I am in bliss, filled to the brim with deep gratitude for the smallest of kindnesses, for every friendly smile and generally for this adventure called life. Moreover, I find humor in my current situation, which I admit is challenging enough that, had it occurred some years ago, I might have committed suicide. But, knowing this only reminds me again of the grace, in that I receive my tests when I’m ready. Every day, I feel stronger.
My guru Paramahansa Yogananda says that we want to “stand unshaken amidst the crash of breaking worlds.” Unconvincingly, I envision remaining still, shining with inner peace, unafraid throughout the utter chaos and destruction of a galactic collapse.
Or, am I being asked to stand unshaken in the crash between my past and future, on the rickety bridge between what my world was and what it is becoming? Is there a crash between our old world, with the sickest elements exploiting humanity, groping at the remnants of a materialistic dream, the vertically structured world of slaves and rulers and good guys and bad guys - and the emerging world of sister and brotherhood, where we are individually empowered, stewards of the earth, recognizing our innate sovereignty and connection with each other and all creatures.
My current fear goes back to a time when connection and care turned into abuse and torture - when I was enslaved in the network.
This young girl and that panicky voice live on inside of me. She has been magnetically attracting narcissists. During the lead-in period they see me in a positive light, but once their internal alarm goes off, they flip and perceive me in a completely different, extremely negative light. In the past years I have been mindful not to let my young parts take charge of my words and actions, so my responsibility lies in what I fail to notice and what I don’t do. I bypass cues that would, with my present awareness, have me run or stay away in the first place. This blindness or passivity activates the unconscious desire of the young girl inside of me to emotionally land back in a structure resembling her trauma, so the repressed fear can resurface. She finds men who will betray her, blindly hoping for a different outcome. I find them in platonic friendships or work, since I avoid romantic relationships in part because of this pattern.
Looking back at the collaboration I had with a man - whom I never met in person - who most recently has been trying to do damage, I’ve begun to recollect moments in which I did have a an intuition about certain things that I ignored. For example, I’ve remembered sharing private information and sensing that this was not safe before pushing that thought away. Also, I witnessed him turn against women with whom he had collaborated, as he copied me on aggressive emails to them. It was clear that he had no boundaries and deep unresolved anger. However, I could have never guessed that his manic, sleepless obsession with work, which at first helped get my story out, would be entirely applied to discrediting me the moment I set a boundary.
A few years back I had already gently withdrawn from communicating with him, and for a year and a half we were distant. Then he reached back out, mentioned that he had changed, that he had stopped lashing out against women. He wanted to work with me again, because my story wouldn’t leave him, he said. In spite of what I knew, I went forward, still compelled to placate, hoping that his unique talents would pull us through. Since he presented as a supporter of survivors, I thought I might be safe from his wrath - in case he hadn’t quite conquered his bad habit.
He was not able to respect my needs, and in an area this sensitive, his attitude would have necessarily affected the final product - it could never be brought in the way that I could fully stand by it. I ended our collaboration. We were in a very early phase, and I tried my best to withdraw yet remain on good terms.
Each test is about overcoming fear, prompting me to align more firmly with universal love. Each time another email flows in from a colleague who shares that they received a call or an email from him, my body goes into freeze mode. The emails list all the “proof” that my story doesn’t match up to his personal fact-check, twisting around both confidential as well as public information, spinning the truth to create implications of corroboration and scientific evidence, to warn people against me. I am painted as a confabulator and master manipulator. He has contacted perpetrator families and every media outlet I’ve ever appeared in. He has circulated lengthy posts on Reddit under various anonymous account names containing perpetrator names I have not publicly shared, with his peculiar mishmash of truth and lies meant to prove me a liar, in his particular, obsessive writing style in his unique English that hints at his nationality. He has falsified an email I had sent him to “prove” my to the New York Times that I had lied.
These circumstances have been keeping me awake at night. At times, I am filled with profound dread. But that dread is quickly transformed as I sit in meditation, and send light to that person and everyone else he has gotten involved in his relentless need for blind revenge. I visualize him inside a subtle but bright light and send thoughts of peace and harmony. Through his tactics and projections he is trying to evoke humiliation and disgrace in me - which I assume are the painful feelings he needs to reject from his own system. However, I am choosing not to accept his burden. Had I not done a lot of work around transforming my shame into awareness and acceptance, I would have lost my power and suffered tremendously. Instead, the only negative feeling that occasionally rises to the surface and overtakes my entire body and mind, is dread.
The little girl who suffered at the hands of insane adults needs my understanding, love and support - and I am offering her these and inviting her to accept my care. Simultaneously, I am experiencing expansion and bliss, feeling supported and loved. I am entirely grateful for being given this experience, to become strong and fearless. When you have been a victim of horrendous abuse and become a strong survivor, it can be confusing. The protector types are unconsciously looking for victims to cover their own insecurity, so they can feel powerful. When a former victim has confidence in her strength, like me, it challenges that cover. Then, I become the stand-in for an evil authority figure, and the darkness hidden beneath the cover will come flying at me. All this is about unresolved trauma. I understand it and have no anger, because I have not been disempowered.
Once upon a time, my greatest fear was that if I would go public with my story, I would be called a perpetrator. My giant guilt complex would have had me fear that it was true, and want to destroy myself. In an email this person sent to me and many others, he says exactly that. Thank goodness that today, I know who I am; and the opinion of others is not my business.
Strength and power is part of our true nature. The drive to feel powerful is natural and understandable. It’s just the ways that many people go about experiencing that power is off. All this can be held within the new paradigm of compassion and oneness.